There Are Days

When I wonder why I am still here.

There have been more than enough times in my life when I have come extremely close to dying and yet, I'm still here. There have been days when I wonder why I stay with my family because, let's face it, no one can get on your nerves better than family. Yet, I'm still here. There are days when I wonder why I turn on the computer and waste my time on the Internet. Yet, I'm still here.

Luck, love, boredom, these are the easy answers. But are they the true answers?

I'm still living because it isn't my time to go yet? I'm still living because those other times were warnings of what could happen? I'm still living because I somehow managed to avoid going over the edge into darkness aka death? Or is it all luck that has kept me alive.

Luck that my family was around and able to get to me the two times I almost drowned? Luck that someone yelled my name and I stopped just before the car would have hit me? Luck that Dad went out into the living room and saw the fire before it cut us off in the family room? (Okay, that wasn't as close a call as the others because we had a door to outside in the family room but we would have been out in the middle of winter with no outerwear) Luck that the odds favored having a seizure rather than the instantly fatal heart attack when my electrolyte levels dropped dangerously low?

Some people would say that I'm still here because I haven't finished my life's work or that I haven't been called forward or my time hasn't come yet. They have faith in an ulterior reason for all of us being here. Call it God, Allah, Gaea, Fate, Destiny, whatever. Now I have my beliefs but I'm not going into them right now. I might post sometime, might not. But that's not the subject of today's post. Today's post is about why I am still living and what I am doing with my life.

As I tell people, we don't have expiration dates. No one knows the date of their death, unless they are able to see the future and yes I know a couple of people who really can see glimpses of the future. No lottery numbers though, never those. *sighs* All we know is that we are mortal and at some point we all die.

Now most people try to deny their mortality. It's sort of a survival instinct, weird as that sounds. But by not thinking about being mortal they don't waste time worrying about it. Some of us learn to accept mortality and we don't fear it nor do we worry about it. We simply accept it as a fact of life and concentrate on living for today and planning for tomorrow. Other people need to be faced with a life-threatening situation or to be told they have a terminal disease to accept that they are mortal after all.

Then they have their "epiphany" and realize that money and possessions are not as important as the people in their lives. They want people to remember them in a good way and not as grasping, selfish, self-centered, money-grubbing, use whatever terms you want here. I never had that because I had learned a long time ago that people are fragile and we can lose them so easily. Possessions can be replaced even if not by an exact copy. People can not be replaced.

So am I still here because I still have something to do in my life? Is that why I have always had the urge to write, to express my thoughts and ideas and creativity? Am I here to share these thoughts with people I know or don't know and get them to have their epiphany without the life-threatening situations or terminal diseases?

I doubt it. But, hey, if anyone who reads this, if anyone ever reads it, takes the time to think about my views and maybe agree with them, then I guess it's worth it. I've shared some wisdom I learned. :)

As for why I'm still with my family, well I love them. Sure there's the fear of being alone but there's also the loyalty of living most of my life with the person I chose to live with and being responsible for the person we chose to bring into this world. In some ways I'm looking forward to being alone at some point, at not being responsible for anyone else, to be able to do what I want when I want and not worry about anyone else. I never really had a chance to be on my own, I was always living with someone else. But that's a possible future when my spouse dies and my daughter has moved on with her own life. Of course, I could die first but that would mean Life really is unfair. Hehe.

That also requires me to be able to live on my own, something which is becoming a concern of it's own. Right now I could live on my own. I'd have a few issues but nothing I couldn't overcome. But in five years, ten, twenty? I don't know. I'd have to make some changes and definitely find someplace else to live but I think I could manage it for the next ten years anyway.Depends on my health.

Which leads into the time spent on the computer instead of doing more productive things like housework. Easy enough to answer. Housework is tiring, boring, and tiring. If I was on my own it would be easier because then I'd just clean as I go but with three other people in the house, I'm usually cleaning up after them and I don't want nor should I have to do that. Also four people make lots more dirty dishes than just one person.

Maybe we'll get a dishwasher again the next place we move to, I miss it more than I realized I would. Made me lazier than I realized. At least I haven't resorted to using a maid service, mostly because we can't afford one. Besides, I'd probably end up being one of those people who clean up before the service comes because I don't want them to see how messy my place is. *looks around* Then again, maybe not. We have that "lived in" look. Lol.

I'll never have the answer to the question of why I'm still here (living) but that's all right. As long as I am here I can go on living life one day at a time and enjoying the friendships I have and hope to make in the future. After all, friends and family are what make life worth living.